Me Pt. 1
@ 2008-07-23 - 23:15:17I am bulimic, that is to say i think i am, but i may be bulimarexic i don't know. I've been like this for 5yrs and did get better at one point, a bit too much some might say but now i've relapsed.......
I try to starve myself for as long as possible because it's only when i'm starving that i feel thin. As stupid as it sounds, i lay in bed feeling exhausted with lack of energy.....i feel happy, i feel like i'm on course.
But there are days i really want to eat.......so i do.....alot.
A sausage roll, large chocolate bar, cheese + ham pasty, baguette w loads of proper butter, cream cakes, apple pie w proper custard, a macdonalds, crisps.....and much more all in one sitting.........
And with that comes the guilt........
*you did so well and now look at you, you're fat, you'll always be fat....Get Rid Of It!*
It's like a little voice in my head that doesn't shut up until i vomit.
And everytime is the same.
People used to notice my knuckles were red so i started using a toothbrush to bring it up
Sometimes my torso hurts so badly when i'm doing it but with every gag i feel a little closer to my goal.
I was 14st, my doctor told me i was obese so i decided to really get into the losing weight. It started off pretty normal, cutting out junk food, no chocolate or crisps, more fruit n veg....etc.....but then i cut out sugar in my tea, started having just an apple for lunch...my weight dropped so i cut more and more things out until now i have a handful of bran flakes for breakfast and a handful of grapes and an apple the rest of the day. I'm knackered when i finish work anyway so exercise in the evening was a minimum but i try to do 300 sit ups a day, having my stomach muscles tighten at least makes me stand taller and pulls my tummy in.
I've lost 2st so far over 4 months but now my weight loss has slowed down and i'm getting desperate again.
But still i just had to have that curry at the weekend didn't i.....and so off to the loos i go.......
My fella knows about my eating disorder but he doesn't know i've started again. I told him on our second date, well i figured he was gonna find out sooner or later (i had a big spill sesh' and basically told him everything about me he might find out...this...and other things i'll probably talk about later....)and i had to explain why i was so uncomfortable at him taking me out for meals. He didn't run away and on nights i'd maybe overindulged he'd know what i wanted to do and distract me or just cuddle me and it really helped. We're still together after 4yrs....
But now he sometimes doesn't finish work until 8 so i binge as soon as i get home from work and i know i have time to get rid of it. Not every night though, some nights i'll say i had dinner and he believes me. Sometimes i've turned the fire on full in the living room so he'll go to sleep and i'll quietly creep upstairs to be sick, he never notices.
It's surprising how devious you can be with an eating disorder.
A girl i work with knows, she had it too and she sees me eating my fruit at lunch but i lie about other meals, sometimes telling all about the "lovely chilli" i had last night or the "fish n chips" i'll have tonight, but it's fabricated or regurgatated.
I once vomited so much i woke up the next morning with half my right eye blood red but nobody suspected the real reason why.
When i had this before i always told myself i could stop anytime i wanted, and in a way i did. I met a great fella, got 'content' put a bit of weight on and it didn't much bother me, but now i think i realise no matter how much i think i can handle it, i'm always gonna have this on my back, right now i'd do anything to lose another 2st, i feel desperate, when i weight myself and in one week i've only lost 1lb i panic and start to think of ways i can move it fast.
I know so many other girls must feel like this but it's like....i know i have this, but i don't want to get help, because they'll make me stop, and i don't want to stop. It's a real head messer cos i know it's wrong, but i want to continue. I know what can happen but i think it'll not happen to me.......just let me get to a generous size 12........that's all i ask.
I know i'll never be one of those really flat stomached girls...even if i proper toned up, because i was really fat at one point (size 20)and got major strechmarks.....then lost masses of weight when i started vomiting so my skin couldn't keep up and i now have loose skin. I can never wear a bikini and convince myself i look good in it, i have major bingowings ffs! that skin will probably never recover from being overstreched so that's sleeveless tops out of the window too!
......That's all for the time being, i need a bath
Ciao
xXx